The last 10 months of my life have shaped my mind and soul into the woman I never thought I could be. Pregnancy was the scariest few short months of my life. I was completely lost and confused, yet played it off like I knew EXACTLY what I was doing. HA I'm sure the only person I did not fool was in fact, my own mother. Although these feelings did haunt me, when the time came the joke was actually on me. Motherhood came as naturally as all the books, quotes, and fairy tales say it does. I was a natural, and wanted nothing more than to rock my little baby night and day. Which, for the first 6 months is all I ever did. I treasure those moments in my mind. I must have worn his rocking time out, the day he could sit up around 6m momma's time was over and out and IV was on the move!!
Being a mother is an excitement and enticement and a growth. It is the possibility that haunts and delights the young girl as she grows to womanhood. It is a part of the fantasy, both her longing for it and her fear of it. The months of pregnancy highlight all the richness of the remembered and internalized experience about mothering. The birth itself brings forth the baby, until now a fantasy, into reality. This real baby is a constant changing, crying, knowing being, and for me the delight of this experience has been one of the most important parts of my life as a women
The first few days as a mother were truly the most amazing experiences I think I will ever know. A relationship so dependent on one another it is amazing the love and connection mother and baby share. I knew from the moment I laid eyes on IV that I would do anything to keep him safe, healthy, happy, and for him to know every minute of every day that he is loved. I want to remember moments like this for the rest of my life. It scares me that 10 months has flown by and because of lack of sleep, night feedings, constant entertaining and diaper changes, I feel like some moments are already starting to blur. Not the important ones, like him rolling over for the first time on our bed, or eating his first bite of cereal (took some time to grasp the idea of a spoon, so cute). I just wish I could rewind time and do it all over again.
School starts on Monday and it scares me to death to think of not seeing IV all day every day. I am excited, nervous, anxious, scared, and a million other emotions all rolled in to one. I know this is the best thing for both IV and me but it is so scary to think about juggling everything. I have no doubt in my mind I will pull it off with ease, I'm ready to prove to myself and IV I am a full of hope and persistence to make the best of our future. I want to be an amazing mother, and I feel like I am one now so I can't just let that slip away from me.
